I promised myself I would write more this year. We’re a month in, and so far I’ve held up that promise. I have been writing everything, nonstop. I’ve almost filled a whole journal. I have words strung into thoughts, rarely sentences, written everywhere, that almost never make sense to even me an hour later. But, at least I’m writing.
I’ve grown to despise numbers (thanks Calculus), but you can never really escape them. They’re always there, quantifying everything in your life. The day of the month, grades, how many miles you hiked, how many hours of sleep you got, everything. But those numbers so rarely give you the whole story. They only give you a small snippet of the point, but often it seems that’s what others care about the most. The day of the month really isn’t as important as what you’re going to do that day, how many hours of sleep you got isn’t going to tell you much; was it good sleep?, what did you dream about?
There are certain words I can’t seem to escape lately. College, agility, grades, midterms, puppies, boys, goals, fears… Am I missing anything? Those seem to be everywhere lately. I think about them a lot, and what they mean. Some are more important than others, but the words are still in my mind. I’ve always been obsessed with quotes. I guess they always put into words what I couldn’t express. I have quotes everywhere, written on my wall, in my planner, in the background on my phone. The more I grow to dislike numbers, the more I fall in love with words, Not so much quotes anymore, I think I’m learning to express myself now, without using someone else words, but just raw words. I’m learning to use them better, and figuring out how to put exactly what is going through my head down on a piece of paper.
Words carry with them so many other things. We did a project on this in school after reading Huck Finn, which by the way was awesome. What words did we hate the most, and why? That was our prompt; get in a group and talk about it. Hate itself is a very strong word, and I had trouble thinking of anything. I could think of a few that I will never use, and things I don’t like that my friends say, but did I really hate those words? Everyone else put down racist words, or offensive words, but I put down failure. A friend of mine, the very girl who inspired me to start writing, among other things, just posted a blog about that very word. Funny, I knew we were alike, but seriously? I realized that I in fact don’t hate that word. It symbolizes so many things, very often scary horrible things, but it also says that you tried. And isn’t that the most important part? That you get back up, and try again despite having failed? I’m still learning the balance of all this.
Words have become so important to me, and everything they carry. I’m going to continue writing jumbled sentences all over the place for now, but also taking the time to remember to write like this too. That is so important.