I seem to go through waves (ha) in life. Sometimes, I have so much motivation and energy to accomplish all my goals, and others, usually after a bit of time when I don’t feel like progress is being made, I have a huge lack in drive. I train out of habit, and don’t put my all into it. And this seems to be something I go through in most things in my life.
I often feel like I don’t do enough. I don’t write enough, I don’t train enough, I don’t study enough, the list goes on. And then I’ll get a spur of motivation, a hint of a goal, and I do all the things. This January that was the thought of EO tryouts in December, and a new online class that I wanted to be on the top of the leaderboard for. And so January was filled with training. Wave was conditioning, and remembering how to use her brain in a way we hadn’t put into practice in a while. And things were going really well, I was excited, and we were really loving the game again. And then she ripped a pad on her foot. Not a big deal, nothing to freak out about, but suddenly we couldn’t play for a few weeks. And not having the option to play real agility didn’t make me want to train little stuff in my dorm room, instead we just hung out. And maybe because this coincided with the semester picking up, and the magnitude of the classes I’m taking coming into full force, and the addition of a part-time job, and the daunting prospect of transfer apps, but all the sudden there were so many things that I didn’t want to do. So many things that I couldn’t manage to get done, and frankly, didn’t try my best at.
Because of who I am, I don’t settle for being mediocre. I never have, probably never will, and I hate feeling like I’m not good at something. And so when I couldn’t figure out how to steam coffee right at my part-time job, and I got a B- on the test I thought I aced, I was mad. I got angry at myself and angry at school because I must just not be good at college. College just must not be where I am going to thrive. I think this was the pressure of the idea of applications talking, but when I called my mom crying, convinced college just wasn’t for me, and that I was going to hate the next three years of my life, she reminded me why I was here. That I wanted to go to college to find myself, to learn, and to figure out who I am, and want to be as a person. College isn’t about being the best, its about doing your best. And thats a hard concept for me to grasp. My best has almost always made me the overall best, things that I haven’t succeed at, or haven’t been the best at have been the things that I haven’t tried my best at. And so coming to college, and trying my very best and not being the best, and still getting that B- really shook me. And when this same thing happened a couple of times it really made me think that I simply wasn’t good enough, and that college would constantly be a struggle. and that just isn’t a feeling I am used to having, and I didn’t know how to react to that. Do you come back fighting, and study impossibly harder for the next test? Do you say okay, and learn to accept a B, and allow yourself to step back from obsessing about grades?
And so for the past few weeks I have just done my best. And right now that best may not be my usual best, but its my best right now. I’ve been focusing on school, taking things one step at a time. Last night I managed to get my application in to Brown, because that still is the goal, and will work on my next few over the next couple weeks. Wave has been home for about a week, and will stay there until spring break, and I couldn’t miss her more. But right now my focus had to be on school, and getting my applications in. Taking agility out of it, Wave still takes up lots of time and energy that I just didn’t have time to spare for the time being. And so agility has taken a backseat, because its had to. My leaderboard spot on the online class has fallen, boxes on my training plans for February went unchecked, but that is the way it had to be.
So what do you do when you really feel like your best isn’t enough? You keep going, you continue trying your best. You keep doing what you are doing because that is your best, and that is all you can ask from yourself. The rest is out of your control. You keep training, you keep studying, you just keep going.
This blog wasn’t much about agility, which is rare for me. Most of my writing, and free thoughts focus around that, but that hasn’t been the biggest part of my life for the past few weeks. And so it is what it is. Agility will make its way back into my main focus, once apps are sent in, and things are checked off my ever-growing checklist. And in just about a week I’ll get to snuggle my Wave, and play a little agility, and press the reset button.